P.s. I am not a sex expert. I am simply sharing my voice &
personal experience ! In hopes to have others share their voice & story as well !
Affection over Attention
I came to the conclusion that I have been ATTRACTING attention more than I have been aiming towards affection ! The moment this came to my mind, it awoke a part of me.
HAVE I BEEN ATTRACTING MORE ATTENTION THAN AFFECTION ? THE ANSWER IS YES.
But I thought this is what men wanted. A woman like Marilyn Monroe & those women that make their endorphins roam their minds faster than an actual deep convo. I also came to terms with knowing I have a natural sex appeal. So it will attract many. But it doesn't mean I have to give in or most importantly what most girls feel, which is a sense of guilt from not offering their bodies to the hounds that demands it ! So why do I feel like I have to sacrifice myself to receive reciprocity & a balanced equilibrium ? So I thought to myself, "NO FUCK THAT SHIT ! It is time to start demanding respect! It's time to start guarding your temple and protecting it like your life depends on it! I felt
empty, I felt used, I felt like I could get tossed away at any moment ! I was depending more on them then they did on me. I mean besides for that ONE thing that, "they could get anywhere." (But how could you, when I'm one in a million? Which is why they always find their way back. Value installed or not lofuckingL) It almost felt like this vicious, bondage like cycle/energy that I thought would be different every time, but turned out the SAME EVERY.FUCKING.TIME.
Settling fOR rED fLAGS
Same shit different day, until one day when I broke up with my "ex" and these thoughts came to mind. What is he offering me ? Is this even a real relationship or a situationship ?
Situationship- A situation that appears to be a relationship when in all actuality it's not. Or it may be a mutual understanding between two people on
what their situation is. It may not make sense to others, but it does to those two people (Maybe even 3 or more). Sex only, or some type of exchange without actual titles or even an emotional connection.
I decided that I wasn't going to settle. I decided that I wasn't going to create this fake fantasy of what I THOUGHT was going on. When in all actuality I was just getting used. So I thought okay let's switch it up let's express our true feelings and see how they handle it. How do you think they handled it ? LOL ! Those boys sounded like the devil, offering me a temporary yes just to satisfy my needs. One guy straight out only asked for what he wanted sexually & then when I put my offer out on the table, HE TOLD ME, "I only like fit girls." Even when he had no idea of how to actually work around my body. I still gave in, because the desperation was real. He showed interest so I
SETTLED. Another one said yes to getting together & then dogged the fuck out of me. He told me & showed me his true colors right when we first started talking & I still took it upon myself to dive into the dark abyss of confusion, mind games, illusions, and lies. He was a charmer & I fell victim to it.
Once all of that happened I asked myself. Why are you okay with them treating you like this ? Why are you putting up with this, just because they're showing interest & giving attention ? Why must we keep self inflicting ourselves when we are intuitive enough to recognize the clear messages of what's really going on?!
Questions + Transcendence
Why have we as women fall victim to feeling guilty for not giving a man pleasure ? Have we been spoiling these boys and making them feel like they are men ? Have we been getting lied to when it comes to what a man really is? What a women should really be ? I got questions and I knew there was only one person who could find the answer for me. Along with being the experimental goddess that would discover the answers for me. Myself.
No more feeling like this victimized version of myself. No more feeling like a prostitute. No more feeling like a used up piece of ass !
I am a QUEEN DAMN It
& I will start challenging this limited, caged mentality. Including how I've been dwelling in this mind set for so long ! I got tired of putting myself last and allowing other people to be first on my list.
Co-dependency was a huge part of my teenage years. Being around friends who took advantage, along with me having no boundaries. I never spoke up, and I just allowed & accepted. No more ! It was time for me. It was time for the rebirth. Time for my transcendence !
Enter a new void
SELF LOVE + PATIENCE
Moving forward, years later, I decided to start taking steps towards my future in a more optimistic way. I needed to save myself instead of trying to get saved.
I decided to practice Abstinence.
Abstinence - You don't have sex..basically
I wanted to clear my entire world of needing & seeking validation from the opposite sex. I sought out new beginnings, new literature, new knowledge that could help me get to know myself better. I found Numerology, Astrology, Reiki, Mediation, and most importantly Tarot ! During all of this self discovery I dove deep within. I already took my power back the moment I stopped having "intimacy" with the chosen unaligned, individuals of the past. Releasing old hoes & not adding any new ones to the list. I was completely disconnected & checked out. Something in me just stopped caring. Stopped wanting. Stopped feeling. It made me realize my worth. How I had the power to say no, and know that I would be totally backed by my ancestors if I said no! I generated a different kind of glow. A glow that didn't need validation to smile, or to look good, or to be naked, or to even EXIST ! I FELT LIBERATED & UNTAMED ! Free and allowed to feel, voice, think, evolve, and most of all climaxing all by myself, since they didn't know how ! *Eye Roll*. So that lead to my next questions. If I'm not climaxing like this with them, why ? Are they doing shit wrong ? Or is it me ? Also, why am I so quick to take it inward & personal ? Trauma response ?This is also their fault for not being familiar with my body or even any woman's body, let alone their own? Why do they think if they get to know the woman to at least find their turn-ons, it means we need to get married?! No it just means every woman has their own sense of sexual arousals. A blueprint that reveals a whole new world beyond the physical. I refuse to think that this is all there is to sex ! I AM BORED ! So what's my blueprint & what turns me on? Let's go deeper...